Struggles and Survival

“I might not be ready to pour out my feelings to the world, but I’d had enough of trying to ignore them.” ― R.J. AndersonUltraviolet

Haven’t we all had that struggle that we kept locked inside our minds and our hearts? It may be over love or life. It could be over a job offer or a job dismissal. We worry about our kids. It seems that everything is always in a constant state of flux. Every situation causes emotions of anger, fear, sadness, happiness, shame, guilt, jealousy, envy, and more that I know I haven’t listed. How many times have you locked these feelings inside? I know myself there have been times I have locked them inside myself so tight, no one could ferret them out. Some of them are constant, like the worry for my kids. But others are short-lived, like anger. Sometimes you just need to “talk to the voices within” and listen to what they are saying.

You almost have to step outside yourself and look at you as if you were someone else you really care about and really want to protect. Would you let someone take advantage of that person? Would you let someone use that person you really care about? Or would you speak up for them? If it was someone else you care about, you’d say something. I know you would. Okay, now put yourself back in that body. That person is you. Stand up and tell ’em, “Enough!” ― Queen LatifahPut on Your Crown: Life-Changing Moments on the Path to Queendom

Are you standing ground for yourself or living what someone else says? I know, we all have a tendency to take the easy road and let someone else take control of our lives and our destiny. But in the long run, will it be what you really wanted? I’ve done it myself. Living the life that everyone else wanted for me, putting my own life on the back burner. I managed to put my dreams in someone elses hands that had no right to hold them because they didn’t know what was in my heart and soul. That kind of goes back to the first quote about ignoring your feelings. Feelings you hide inside yourself, no one else can express but you. On the other hand, opening up fully to someone else about your internal battles of mind and body and having them listened to is hard but when the right person listens its miraculous. 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.” ― Thomas Paine

Sometimes when we open ourselves to ALL the possibilities of the things we enjoy, amazing things start happening for us. It’s never easy to shut your mind down from saying the negative things like “I can’t do that” or “It’s too difficult”. We, as humans, tend to think we always need more of something. More education, more money, more time or more space when in reality, we are making excuses. Grab opportunity when it’s presented but stop selling yourself short when it comes to you talents and inner strengths. To get what you want and sometimes more, you have to live life with passion and actively pursue what YOU want. If you try and fail, try again and again until you get it right. The harder it is, the more determined you need to be!

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ― Bill Cosby

All of the above being said, through failures and success you need to learn to find humor and laughter in everything! It eases the pain of the struggles and works kind of like sun rays peaking around the corner of a storm could. Since I seem to connect everything with nature, you can compare it like this: The pain, hurt and failures are a rain falling from the sky. Humor is the sunshine just past the clouds bringing the rain. Laughter is the rainbow that just magically appears. Those rainbows are the beauty of everything combined. Without the rain they can’t happen. Without the sun there isn’t the light for them to appear. 

 

I struggle every day but I survive. I survive because I can find the beauty, the humor and I constantly laugh at the stupid things I do! There are days I literately roll with the “punches” when I battle with being clumsy due to my MS. I fall down and usually end up in a fit of laughter because it doesn’t seem possible one person could wind up on their backside so often. It happens. I’ve learned to take each moment as it comes. Are some of them annoying and do they make me mad? Sure do. BUT what’s the point in being mad about things I can’t change. What’s done is done! Might as well make fun of myself and laugh it away.

I hope that you find solace in the words. I hope that you find encouragement, determination and the will power to become the person inside…You know who! That one you tend to hide from everyone else. Dig that person out, let them shine with what makes you unique!!!! If you need words of encouragement, give me a shout. If you want to share you story, I would be glad to link it back…just let me know! Don’t let anyone tell you to go with the flow. Fight against the grain. BE YOU! Not what everyone else says, thinks or tells you to be!

The Tomboy Within

Growing up, I always used to joke that I was my father’s only son. From as early in my life as I can remember, my daddy used to take me hunting and fishing. We spent so much time together as I grew up, he became my best friend. I love my daddy very much. I don’t get to see him anymore due to circumstances and choices that are out of my control but I will never forget our time together and all the lessons he taught me. Being my father’s “tomboy”, I learned to not only hunt and fish but to work on cars, get greasy and spin wrenches. Since my dad drove race cars for years, I learned the ins and outs of mechanics and car set ups. I know how to change my own oil, brake pads and even to change tires. These are life lessons that have helped me out on more than one occasion. Parts departments hate to see me coming. Service stations have threatened to have me thrown out of building when they couldn’t admit fault, especially to a girl. It’s actually kind of comical after the fact…but during situations like that, it makes my blood boil. I’ve had people try to fit me into a box of a proper, well-behaved lady. That box doesn’t fit…AT ALL! I am my father’s only son. I swear like a trucker. I like to drink beer. I hang with the “boys” more than I do the ladies. I don’t sit through gossip over morning tea. I work just as hard, if not harder than a lot of men I know. I like to go throw a little mud from the tires on my truck. I like going fishing and hunting. I like shooting guns and bows for competitive sport (and have even gotten myself a couple of trophies for it too). I like four-wheeling. I like being a grease monkey and fixing things. I go at my own pace. I like wearing blue jeans, t-shirts and baseball caps. I would rather be sitting on the tailgate of a pickup in the middle of a field looking up at the stars or watching a bonfire than sitting in some fancy restaurant enjoying a chef prepared meal. I am a burger and french fries kind of girl.

The "real" me in my ball cap in the pasture with cattle.

The “real” me in my ball cap in the pasture with cattle.

On another note, I do “clean-up” rather well. The difference is so startling that even my own neighbors and family members hardly know it’s me. Until I talk that is. I have a rather unique voice with strains of accents I have no idea the origination of. I was bred and born in upstate NY but I have a southern accent on some words while others have a Canadian accent. I’ve had lots of people ask me where I’m from…even when I grew up the next town over. I’m not really a traveler either. I’ve been to South Carolina once. The eastern sea board once. Canada once. It’s just the strange mess of who I am. A mix of a little bit of everything. It makes me that much more unique. Fishing has been a relative constant in my life. An obsession that I have carried on my shoulders, lacking a few short years here and there, that has given me so much peace in my life. I remember fishing with my daddy when I was really little and him showing me how to bait my own hook. After I became a pro at catching fish, he taught me how to take the fish off the hook too. I think it was more for him than me because he wasn’t getting a chance to fish himself. But, needless to say, I can do it myself. Something a ton of women I know refuse to do. Over the years, I have been so obsessed with fishing that when I worked as an account representative for a printing company, I would take lunch breaks in my long skirt and all to go fly fishing for trout along the banks of creek. You should have seen the looks I would get as I wrapped the back of my skirt up between my legs to tuck the hem into my waistband and proceed to done my hip waders. Many years ago, I discovered something that combines two loves of my life…fishing and art. I learned how to tie flies! I even had a small business for a while making and selling flies for fishing. I even did classes for local youths to learn to tie their own flies and then I would teach them how to fly fish too. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I haven’t tied flies in years and I am hoping to find some time soon. I still have some old ones in my box that I broke out on this last Sunday. Still managed to land me a bunch of panfish with the old standby. Life is good when I hear the gear whip of a fly line. Life is even better fighting a panfish on a nearly 8 ft. fly rod. Here’s my favorite image from Sunday…a flashback stonefly nymph in the mouth of a hand-sized panfish caught along the bank of the farm pond. Oh yes. Life was very good.

One of my favorite things...fly fishing for panfish!

One of my favorite things…fly fishing for panfish!

I’ll leave you for now. I’ll update more soon. Until then, I want to leave you with one small thing. NEVER under estimate a female, woman or girl. You don’t know what kind of background they may have. 🙂