Strength of the storm

Back in 2008 when I was struggling with the loss of family members and a new diagnoses of Multiple Sclerosis, I watched a storm develop over my home…these are the words that came to mind.

Photo taken as a storm receded and the sunshine blessed us with it’s presence.

In the inner recesses of my mind, there is no light. 
There is no way out. No way to start over. 
No way to control the inner blackness that surrounds me like storm clouds.
Emptiness. Loneliness. Sadness.

These are the emotions I feel. 
My existence here seems so small and unimportant. 
I have lost nearly everything that I hold near and dear to my heart. 
I am but a shadow of my former self. 
Earth shattering and heart breaking events seem to swirl around me like clouds of the impending and unrelenting storm that keeps whirling around my body and soul.

The pain is like the driving rain that falls from the sky. 
The loneliness blows at my soul like the winds of a tornado. 
My utter sadness that goes to my core is like the lightning bolts that shoot from the sky. 
Ominous clouds, strong winds, driving sheets of rain and bolts of lightning;the center of my existence.

I stand in the center of it all. 
Still fighting, still struggling against it all. 
Feet planted firmly apart on the ground. Arms slightly raised, palms up at my sides. 
Head tilted back with my face lifted. My breathing is calm and deep. 
I am absorbing the strength and ferocity of the storm, becoming one with the pure unadultered power of nature. 

One lone tree stands in the background. 
Barren and leafless, it spreads out its branches like the fingers of death and destruction. 
It fights my soul to gain control of nature’s prowess. 
Dark and menacing as the storm and grown from Mother Nature herself, 
this tree should be over powering me yet, for some reason we stand in compatible silence with the noise and roar of the storm blowing around us.

I will not be defeated. I am who I was put here to be. 
I am here to prove a point to all those I come in contact with. I am at peace. 
I have found serenity. I am strong. 
No one can not chop me down like the old dead tree. 
No one can not strike me with lightning to split me in half.  
No one can blow me apart with their winds. No one can not knock me down. 

The driving rains toughens my skin. 
The winds only make me gnarled and twisted, in turn making me stronger. 
The lightning only charges my conviction.  
The ominous clouds only serve to make me blind to what I need to see. 
The rumble of thunder deafens me to hear only what I am suppose to listen to.

I stand in the center of it all. 
Still fighting, still struggling against it all. 
Feet planted firmly apart. Arms slightly raised, palms up. 
Face lifted while my head is tilted back. My breathing is calm and deep. 
I AM the storm that has strength and fury. 
I am at one with the power of nature. 

You fight as you continue to gain connection as you dig into her inner ground soul and as you touch her skies with your fingertips. 
You challenge her at every turn but, she is stronger willed that you are and she controls your destiny. 
You are that barren, leafless tree that someone will chop down. 
You can be struck by lightning and split in half. 
You can be blown apart by the howling winds of destruction. 
You can be knocked down and you will. 

I stand in the center of it all. 
Still fighting, still struggling against it all. 
Feet planted firmly apart. Arms slightly raised, palms up. 
Face lifted while my head is tilted back. My breathing is calm and deep. 
I AM the storm that has strength and fury. 
I am at one with the strength of the storm.

I have found my strength within, I pray that you can find the same in yourself. Gather strength from the struggles. Empower and embrace your inner storm.

A New Day

Sometimes things change. Sometimes you change. As with everything in life, experiences have the effect of change on how we act, interact, and they alter our goals for what we want in the future.

Well, my goals have changed. DRASTICALLY AND DRAMATICALLY!

To those of you that don’t know, for the past 8-9 years I have been working over at Barrows Farm. I am currently working on transitioning out of the farm and into the future. Do I know what the future will hold………NOPE. I don’t.

Here is what I do know:

I am a passionate and avid caregiver to cattle. I have a tender heart and a kind touch to those that need a little extra loving care. Think of me as a cattle nurse.

I am a passionate photographer about all things nature, cattle and ALL THINGS THAT RUN ON DIESEL.

I am highly artistic and love to see the simple beauty of the world that shines through within a few strokes of a pencil.

I am a writer who expresses my passion of what I see through words.

I am a country girl. I like to fish, hunt, shoot guns and sling mud. I drive trucks, four wheelers and tractors.

I love to cook with all things farm fresh.

Did I mention I love cattle?

 

These decisions to move away from what you know are difficult. It’s hard to walk away from something that you had big visions for. In the end, sometimes you just need to do what you feel you must do. When you are involved in a relationship with a spouse, business partner, friends, whatever and you aren’t headed along the same paths you need to assess the situation and determine what is the best course of action.

I know I will be okay, no matter where the road may lead me. After all, I am a survivor.

I have survived:

Sexual Abuse

Physical Abuse

Emotional and Mental Abuse

A Car Accident that almost killed me

and I daily survive and struggle through my own personal battle with Multiple Sclerosis.

I am stronger and more determined now than ever to make some of my dreams come true. I have always lived my life doing for others instead of myself. NOW is the time for me to stop letting others hold me back from achieving those dreams.

I will be spending an entire season doing something that I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. I will be travelling around the country photography tractor pulls and truck pulls. To me, it’s the epitome of all things important to me. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for a person who is 100% self-taught. I never thought I would get the chance to be associated with these circuits. To me, there is nothing better than diesel smoke and the rev of the engines. It sends goosebumps down my spine and when the tractors come roaring down the track it’s an adrenaline rush I can’t even begin to describe.

I have been offered a job as a “Special Needs Manager” on a large dairy too. To be honest, I didn’t even know there was such a position. The farm that offered expressed that my passion and dedication to sick, injured and unhealthy animals sets me apart from most. Who would have thought that farms needed specialized people for animals who have medical needs? Not me…so as I said above, I think of myself as a cattle nurse when it comes to this type of thing. Kind of cool, huh?

Do I know what tomorrow holds for me? No, I don’t. In the meantime, I am going to live a dream. I’ll be clicking photos at a track, farm or outdoors somewhere.

I’ll be posting blog posts to share my adventures, struggles and trials as time goes on. I have made a lot of friends over the years and I am thankful to have each and everyone of them as inspiration and support.. Without y’all I wouldn’t have the courage to make this huge transition forward.

If anyone wants to share stories about big transitions they have made in life, please do!